Echo

I ran into 2020 with huge dreams and plans and really just hoping to wash 2019 away. 

I felt like I was in a good place leading into this year. Tyler and I had started doing a devotional, I had started an online community of short devotionals and I was determined that everything was perfect. I needed it to be. I noticed though, that the more things seemed to be going good the more the devil was lurking around corners waiting for my to fail. 

You see, the devil is really good at playing on people’s weaknesses and self doubts. Before I knew it, I had missed a few days, then a week, and then a whole month of the devotionals I was doing. The devil was there saying there was no point and that I wasn’t qualified to dig deeper into God’s word with a community of people. Suddenly I looked up and it was March. 

February was the month that dragged forever. I was exhausted and beat down and not living my best life. My children and husband were getting my leftovers at the end of the day and that is definitely not fair to them. I had to step back and see what had changed because in January, I was on top of the world. Then it hit me, I don’t think I attended church one weekend in February...we were busy and it just didn’t happen. By not getting that boost each week, I plummeted, hard. 

Anxiety, fear, and being overwhelmed consumed my every thought and move. I’m 99% sure I had my first ever actual  panic attack at work. Thankfully my bosses are rockstars and took great care of me but it made me start to reevaluate and see what needed to change. I have to do better at trying to take care of myself. Teaching myself that I don’t have to be everything to everyone. My husband and my kids need me happy and healthy and present in their daily lives. 

I’m working hard to not let self doubt take over. The song Echo by Elevation Worship has become my anthem for the year. It says “when my mind says I’m not good enough, God you’re enough for me.” That is something that I have to tell myself daily. 

Facebook can sometimes be depressing when all you see is everyone’s highlight reels and you’re wondering how they never have a rough day. Try to remember that everyone else is probably just as much a hot mess as you are and just hiding it very well. 

My goal is to always post more but it never happens. I do find that this is an outlet for me and I am thankful to have this space to ramble on ❤️

2019

2019 is coming to an end and as I reflect, I’ve never been more ready to move on from a year. This year has been filled with an abundance of ups and downs. 

In January, I lost my mother in law pretty unexpectedly. In March, my great aunt was killed in a freak accident. In May, my best friends 22 year old son committed suicide. Over the summer, the man I thought could never get sick found out he has cancer.  I have dealt with severe anxiety and even spouts of depression during all of this. There have been days where my motivation has been less than zero. 

Even with all the bad, I have to remember that I have been blessed with so much good. In February we traveled out of the country and watched my sister in law get married. Over the summer Tyler and I were able to take the kids on an awesome vacation to Tennessee. We sold our house and we are in the process of building our new house. These are just a few of the highlights from this year. We have been blessed with far more than we deserve. 

With so much negativity, it’s easy to fall into a dark place and dwell on the bad. Sometimes it’s hard to focus on the good. Every day brings new challenges and new adventures.

I am thankful for my husband who is way better at seeing the good than I am. He loves me through it all and I’m not sure I’d survive without him. We have two awesome kids who have a way of teaching me life lessons in the best ways. I have a family who has my back and supports me always. My friends are the best and want to see me win. I have found my tribe and I am so thankful for them.

So even though it’s been an exceptionally tough year, I know others have it far worse and that’s why I have made a conscious effort to start focusing on the good. 

2020 is coming and I can’t wait to see what it has in store.