Can I just tell you that parenting is hard?
Let me take a minute and tell you how incredible my husband truly is. He is, without a doubt, the better nighttime parent. His patience goes above and beyond anyone I have ever met. I seriously struggle with anxiety and get overwhelmed very easily. So he is great at stepping in and taking over. I'll never know how anyone does it on their own.
I feel like I created my own nighttime struggles. I always nursed him to sleep(until he was 11 months old), let him sleep with us(even still most nights), and he is still rocked to sleep on a nightly basis. We NEVER did the cry-it-out method as my heart just could not handle it and it goes against everything I stand for. I'll admit that I could have probably let him whine a little more when he was younger. Now he is a little older and has been doing much better about staying in his own bed all night, which really means that when he wakes up, I am doing better about not bringing him to my bed. He has only slept through the night a handful of times, ever. I try to tell myself that it won't last forever and that I just need to enjoy these moments. What I really think I need is a full nights sleep because on his rare sleep all night-nights, I wake up panicked that I haven't heard from him.
Anytime I feel defeated or overwhelmed, I immediately have mom guilt and think that I am not allowed to feel that way. After all, we tried so hard and so long to get this sweet boy, how could I ever feel anything but pure joy and happiness? I would rather have only bad nights than not have him at all so I do try to find the joy in the hard moments. I have to remind myself that being overwhelmed doesn't make me a bad mom, it makes me a human.
People who have never struggled with anxiety often have a hard time understanding where these feelings come from, my husband included. If I could turn off the way I felt, believe me, I would in a heartbeat. I usually have a hard time verbalizing these things for fear of being judged. I apologize if this post seems choppy and all over the place. I am trying to get better with my words.
All I know, is at the end of the day, Hudson is still the most beautiful human being I have ever seen and I am eternally grateful that God is allowing me to be his mom. Even on the hardest nights, I still love him more than life. He made me a mom. <3
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. – Philippians 4:6-7
