Monday’s always seem to be long and they have been longer since we are still adjusting to the whole school routine. Hudson has always been a fairly emotional kid. Poor guy seriously got all of my worst qualities....sensitive, emotional, anxiety...I truly feel bad for him. All of those are heightened by exhaustion. I hear that he does good all day, every day but it’s like the second we walk through the front door, it’s tears and fits and he just can’t seem to hold himself together. It all started because he and Emma wanted the same blanket, then she told him no, then they fought over the play doh, and she took his color so I made them put it up. Each of these events caused a MAJOR meltdown for my children. Emma spent a fair amount of time in timeout for hitting and pushing and yelling. Hudson spent a fair amount of time dramatically crying because of said hits, pushes, and yells.
All of that led to a frustrated momma. So I yelled. And guess what...that didn’t calm anyone down. I was not in it to win tonight with them. Work was long and with so many changes happening there lately, I feel like I’m always a little on edge. That is no excuse though. There is no reason for my children to get the worst of me at the end of the day.
My kids know how to push my buttons and I often wonder if I’m doing something wrong. Am I being too easy on them, at I being too tough, should I give into this, or hold my ground on that? Am I the reason Hudson has his meltdowns or does he just hold it in all day and then finally melt when he is somewhere comfortable and safe. Am I teaching Emma the best way when I send her to timeout? How long do I make her sit and cry for? Oh the crying from both of them breaks my heart but I know they have to have rules and boundaries and to be taught what is and is not acceptable but it would be so much easier just to give them what they want. I know that would not be rasing a productive future member of society though. These are the constant things that go through my mind. I might also add that I some anxiety issues, so the spiral of “what if” literally never stops. It’s exhausting.
So we have a rough evening. When we decided to calm down and sit, Hudson was asleep by 7:15pm. If you know us at all, you know why this is a big deal. Hudson has never went to bed before 10pm. I am happy he is getting more sleep but so sad that means I only get about 2 hours in the evening with him and those two hours were not great ones tonight. So I held him, for probably 30-45 minutes and cried because I felt guilty that I didn’t enjoy every second of this evening and then he was asleep. Will he remember my tension and anger tomorrow? Most likely not, he told me tonight that I’m still his favorite.
Emma didn’t go to sleep as early but I rocked her when she did, I also held her a little longer in hopes that would make it all better.
Tomorrow will be better. It has to be. I will make sure it is. I have the power to choose if it’s a good day or bad day. Tomorrow will be a good day. Keep your head up moms and dads...this parenting gig is one heck of a roller coaster!
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