Over It.

The struggle is starting to be SO real. I am in this weird place where I am SO thankful to still have a job when so many don’t, but I am terrified to go. If you know me at all or have followed any of my blogs, you know I struggle with anxiety. A few weeks ago, I was very much in the mind set of “do not fear.” “Trust God, he’s got this.” And while none of that has changed, my level of fear and anxiety has. 
If I had it my way, I would lock my house for 3 weeks. No one in, no one out. That just isn’t feasible though. I have to work and need to work as long as I’m able. Staying home with no outside interaction would very much be detrimental to my mental health. It’s easy for me to spiral down into a dark scary place. In situations like this, I am very much a “glass half empty” and “worst case scenario” type person. My mind wanders and suddenly the world is ending. Most people would be surprised by that because unless you’re pretty close to me, I feel like I put on a pretty strong game face...but maybe I don’t 🤷🏼‍♀️
This weekend has proved to especially hard on me. I don’t know why, it’s just been hard. I am pretty sure that the message Pastor Craig delivered this morning was written for me. If you haven’t seen it, go to their Facebook page and watch. It spoke directly to me and I’m sure so many others. 
I woke up at 5:30 this morning feeling very overwhelmed. Both of my babies were in bed with us by this time and I just cried and asked God to calm my heart. Then I cried through the entire sermon this morning. I know God has this under control but it’s hard for me to understand that when I can’t see how it’s going to play out. 
One of the songs for worship this morning was “You Are” by the Life.Church band. I actually quoted some of the lyrics at the bottom because it is such a reminder that He is good, no matter what. 
A few things I’m thankful for...when I was overwhelmed this morning,  I sent a text to a few friends (including 2 of my bosses) asking for prayers to help calm my heart and mind. As the day went on, I could feel myself slowly relaxing some and I am so grateful for that. 

“Oh, even in the unknown Oh, I know that You are good Oh, even in the waiting You are good, You are good Jesus, You are I will lift my hands while I'm waiting Louder than my fears I will sing May my heart ever be reminded You are good, You are good, You are good” You Are by Life.Church music

O V E R W H E L M E D

Friends. It’s 2:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep. Fear is sneaking in and my heart is unsettled. I gotten up multiple times to check on my babies, something I haven’t done in a few years. I was actually thankful when Em cried and I brought her to our bed. It is taking everything in me not to just go get Hudson and also bring him to our bed. There is so much uncertainty in our current situation and I’m afraid it is only the beginning. 

I’m praying hard but the devil is trying harder to pull me down. So if you’re up, I ask that you not only say a prayer for me but for all the other mommas out there who are struggling with all of this.

Rest.

For close to a year, I have had a vacation planned for this week of Spring Break. We were supposed to head to Florida with my husbands high school baseball team for a week of games and fun. With everything going on, we had to cancel. I was bummed and so were the kids. 

We scrounged around and found a room at our favorite place in Galveston. So far this social distancing hasn’t affected us much since we had planned to be gone anyway. Honestly, we have probably saved SO MUCH money because instead of eating out, we have decided to cook all of our meals in the condo to avoid big crowds. Tyler and I are big goers. We get stir crazy if we stay in too long so this has been a bit of a challenge for us. However, our kids have LOVED and embraced every second of it. They don’t get much time of doing nothing. It has been exactly what we all needed. Days of rest and relaxation. Away from people and distractions. 

It’s times like these that I realize how important it is to have 3-6 months worth of living expenses in your savings account, so that you can still survive when the unexpected happens. Unfortunately, we aren’t quite there but are still currently both getting a paycheck, for now. All of this listening and watching and waiting has made me want to reevaluate how we do things. We have always been on a quest to get out of debt but we have never really been great at fully attacking it. My mindset has definitely shifted though. We have followed and studied Dave Ramsey for years, implementing small things here and there but never with “gazelle intensity.” 

Until we return back home, we are going to soak up the rest of this time we have together and see it as a gift. Once we get back to the real world, I will let you know how we adjust. Tyler is gonna get a taste of that stay at home mom life that he’s never really wanted 😂

When it seems uncertain

Life is pretty crazy right now. Not just for me, but for the entire world. It is easy to be scared and anxious when you’re not sure what is going to happen. There is also a fine line between being prepared and panicked. 

I am the first to admit that I am one that usually panics but I have been trying not too. In the Bible, it is written something like 365 times “do not be afraid” or “do not fear.” I have been trying to take all of this with a heart of prayer. I have also put a lot of trust in people around me to help me make informed but not crazy decisions. If it would’ve been up to only me, I probably would’ve cancelled our vacation for the week and sat inside the house. Instead, we are practicing social distancing on the beach and eating all of our meals in our condo. 

I do still have fear. I have fear that I will carry this scary virus to someone who won’t be able to fight it like I can. I’m 99% sure that if I get it, I will survive. I do not think my grandparents would be able to fight it off so easily. I worry that my Hudson will get it. He has had the flu twice since Christmas and has been coughing  since November...that makes me think his lungs would struggle a little more and he may have to fight harder. I worry less about my Emma because she has seemed to stay completely healthy through everyone else’s sickness. I believe these are rational fears as a parent but still fears. 

If you feel like everyone is overreacting, maybe they are. We have no way of knowing that though, and we will never be able to know that. A Colorado superintendent did point out that it will be overly apparent if we under react. 

Take all this inconvenience as God giving you time with family to reconnect and to rest. This world is so busy and this virus is forcing us to slow down. I don’t have all the answers and I won’t pretend to be an expert. Just pray hard, give it to God, and follow the CDC guidelines. When my heart is even more overwhelmed, I try to pray harder. Only one person knows how all of this will play out and we just have to trust it will be ok. 

If you need me, I’ll be drinking coffee (or wine depending on the time of day) until Thursday or I’m forced to leave sooner.

Oh and lastly, please say a prayer for your superintendents, they are being forced with impossible decisions to make and are in very unchartered waters. None of them have dealt with this. I do promise that they will do what is best for the majority of the of their students and staff. 

Echo

I ran into 2020 with huge dreams and plans and really just hoping to wash 2019 away. 

I felt like I was in a good place leading into this year. Tyler and I had started doing a devotional, I had started an online community of short devotionals and I was determined that everything was perfect. I needed it to be. I noticed though, that the more things seemed to be going good the more the devil was lurking around corners waiting for my to fail. 

You see, the devil is really good at playing on people’s weaknesses and self doubts. Before I knew it, I had missed a few days, then a week, and then a whole month of the devotionals I was doing. The devil was there saying there was no point and that I wasn’t qualified to dig deeper into God’s word with a community of people. Suddenly I looked up and it was March. 

February was the month that dragged forever. I was exhausted and beat down and not living my best life. My children and husband were getting my leftovers at the end of the day and that is definitely not fair to them. I had to step back and see what had changed because in January, I was on top of the world. Then it hit me, I don’t think I attended church one weekend in February...we were busy and it just didn’t happen. By not getting that boost each week, I plummeted, hard. 

Anxiety, fear, and being overwhelmed consumed my every thought and move. I’m 99% sure I had my first ever actual  panic attack at work. Thankfully my bosses are rockstars and took great care of me but it made me start to reevaluate and see what needed to change. I have to do better at trying to take care of myself. Teaching myself that I don’t have to be everything to everyone. My husband and my kids need me happy and healthy and present in their daily lives. 

I’m working hard to not let self doubt take over. The song Echo by Elevation Worship has become my anthem for the year. It says “when my mind says I’m not good enough, God you’re enough for me.” That is something that I have to tell myself daily. 

Facebook can sometimes be depressing when all you see is everyone’s highlight reels and you’re wondering how they never have a rough day. Try to remember that everyone else is probably just as much a hot mess as you are and just hiding it very well. 

My goal is to always post more but it never happens. I do find that this is an outlet for me and I am thankful to have this space to ramble on ❤️